2016. This year, man…. To me, it feels like it’s simultaneously been the longest and the shortest year of my life. A lot happened.
So, I thought I’d weigh it in gains and losses.
I started the year by losing an ovary. Which was… I don’t know what it was, really. A relief, I think, mostly? I mean, it was causing me pain and it wasn’t cancer, so getting rid of it and having it confirmed to be benign was A Good Thing. It’s not something I spend a lot of time thinking about. It’s a thing that happened, and it’s not there anymore. *shrug*
(Presumably, it shouldn’t hinder my ability to procreate, but who are we kidding, here? I’m 38. I’ll be 39 in March. At this point, I’m ok with it not happening. I feel… well, not old, but past the point, basically. It could still happen, and I’d be happy if it did, but I’m not sad that it isn’t, if that makes sense.)
I also got fired as a friend. That’s something I’ve spent significantly more time thinking about. Once the initial sting of rejection wore off, I’d like to think that I’ve made my peace with it. Still. To me, it seemed like a thing that might’ve been avoided by simple communication, but I dropped the ball. I thought I had more time.
My friend did do me a favour, in that it was one less thing to worry about, y’know? I was so concerned for this person, and it was eating away at me. I couldn’t seem to be able to communicate that care and concern in a way they were receptive to, but in retrospect I’m realizing that the decision was made long before I was made aware of it, and also, I would’ve spoken on deaf ears regardless, probably. The decision to end the friendship effectively allowed me to stop worrying. And I’m grateful for that.
I’m still finding odd little remnants of what was, like a small card given to me once with the words, “The road to a friend’s house is never long,” which has lost all meaning, now, considering. Tossing it in the trash felt... unsatisfying and sad. And just recently, I realized I have a whole folder of email correspondence between us. I decided to leave that for now, and just… decide whether to delete it another day. I feel like I might want to read some beforehand, just to see, but I’m not ready for that just yet.
They say that some people come into your life for a reason and some come into your life for a season. And you’re somehow supposed to tell the difference. I don’t think it’s that simple though: season or not, there’s always a reason. I’m thankful for the lessons I learned. I’m thankful for the company while it lasted. And I’m ok with letting it go, even if it wasn’t my choice.
I did pick up one very important life lesson from this: When someone asks your advice, and you give it, and they then continue to revisit the problem, it’s because they don’t want your advice. Stop giving it, and just tell them what they want to hear.
So, gains!
I’ve gained friends! Sven and I finally have good friends in our neighbourhood! And couple-friends, too, which is rare to find! Fun people who share our sense of humor! Not one set, but TWO sets of neighbors, who actually want to hang out, and who love our dog, and who laugh at our stupid jokes, and make stupid jokes of their own that have us in stitches, and who are easy and pleasant to be around.
It makes me feel much more like I belong here. I’ve lived in this house for over 5 years, now, and while the inside is definitely MY home now, my friends were suddenly far away, and when I still had them close by, I’d gotten very used to just swinging by for a cup of whatever, and I’ve really missed that. But the neighbours when I moved in here were either a) nice, but our parents’ age b) weirdo hermits or c) a young couple with kids that we had zero in common with, and still don’t.
And I never really seemed to make any connections elsewhere in our community. Mostly because I’m the weird lady who will talk to you at the store, but I’m probably not gonna be at the next organized what-have-you, primarily because of my refusal to wear pants during off hours. - And the lack of beer. :p
And speaking of my home! I have gained a new kitchen! A kitchen that is exactly what I’ve always wanted! And keep in mind, I’ve been wanting a new kitchen for 14 years. I wanted one in my old apartment, too, and ironically, I moved into pretty much the exact same make and model when I moved into our house, albeit with a few improvements.
Getting a new kitchen took… what feels like most of the year, but was essentially “only”4 months. But it’s here, and it’s mine, and I love it! And it’s another thing that makes me feel at home, in a way I didn’t before. And omg, is it splendid! I didn’t know that ovens had become so effective. I didn’t know that induction stoves were so amazingly awesome. I didn’t know! And the drawers instead of cupboards are every bit as wonderful as I thought they would be! Every day, my new kitchen makes me smile. That is a Good Thing!
Workwise, we hired a book-keeper, Lise. Another Good Thing. I feel so much better knowing she has my back, and that she knows the rules, and follows up. I’m not ashamed to admit I need a little kick in the behind every so often. But she’s so much more than that. She’s my stress repellent. I spent 2015 trying to do her job, and failed spectacularly. I had no idea what I was doing, and it was terrifying, and stressful, and omg, so awful.
I asked for help, and she came along, and not only is she amazingly competent and flexible, but she is also a ray of fucking sunshine! She has her life, and her own dramas, and she totally overshares, as do I: We get along like a house on fire! But primarily, she shows up at the office every two weeks. We do our work. And in between, we chat and catch up and make fun of each other, and she’s the closest I come to an actual colleague, probably, so I appreciate the hell out of her.
I went on vacation! With
gammameta! And it was completely awesome! We didn’t do any of the things we’d planned to do, thanks to Hurricane Matthew, but we still had a fantastic trip, and I will treasure the memories of that forever! AND I got to see the Smokey Mountains, which I’d probably never would’ve gotten to see otherwise, and in October, too, where the colors were just amazing!And AND I got to meet another dear internet friend, who used to frequent LJ with the moniker
feeferj, and she is every bit as lovely, and fun, and feisty, as I perceived her to be online. So, yeah, we hung out in Raleigh, NC, like you do… And it was kind of the best day!My niece got married, which was sort of the catalyst to getting me to cross the ocean and come hang out with my bestie(s). It was really wonderful to be able to attend her wedding, and to learn that I haven’t been completely forgotten, despite years of separation and very little contact. She wrote me the sweetest thank you note, about how she remembers sneaking into my room as a little girl and trying on my shoes. It made me feel all kinds of special, and I intend to make an effort to keep in touch with her better.
I also joined a Facebook group, which is kind of changing my life. It is, without a doubt, the kindest place on the internet. And to me, it’s a place that soothes my soul, and which helps me find my own kindness. And there’s always lots of interesting conversations to immerse myself in, which I love! The other day, a lovely elderly lady posted a selfie, and updated that she was supposed to go to a meeting in church, but there was just too much snow in her driveway, and she didn't have the nerve to brave it, so she had to call her ride and cancel. So here she was, all dolled up, with nowhere to go. And people in droves complimented her, and told her the world was missing a very lovely lady today, and then it evolved into people complimenting her makeup, and before you knew it, she was giving makeup advice, and feeling tons better about herself! And it moved me to tears to see all these perfect strangers rallying to uplift one of their own! It's a wonderful place.
Aside from the highlights, though, it feels like this year just flew by! I feel like I haven’t seen my friends more than once or twice, and then suddenly it was over. Like sand through an hour glass, indeed.
So, every year, I promise myself that THIS will be the year I finally get on top of my work pile instead of playing catch-up. I managed to do so quite well before leaving for my vacation in October, and now I’m scrambling again to get everything done so we can close the books on 2016. I’m not actually doing too well with it, because I am feeling lethargic and resentful about it. :p But I’ll get there, and I’ll do my darndest to keep it there. I feel confident that with the help of our book-keeper, I might actually finally have a year where I manage to stay on top of things. Precedence so far is looking pretty good, current evidence notwithstanding. :)
And maybe then I can stop punishing myself for things I’m not doing with more things I’m not doing. So I can be kinder to myself, and kinder and more present for the people I love.